Sep 2, 2019
 
NFL

Vegan/PETA Protestors Storm NFL Head Offices Demanding Footballs No Longer Be Made From Pigskin

The NFL head offices were turned upside down Monday afternoon as an angry mob of Vegan and PETA protestors stormed in looking for answers to why footballs are made from "pigskin". What could have been a simple orchestrated debate between two parties, instead became a violent flurry of attacks on NFL Executives and their properties.

NFL Senior Vice President of Security Cathy L. Lanier described the situation as "terrifying and unnerving".

"In my 30 years of working high profile security, I've never seen violence of this nature from a protest. They weren't even provoked, we had to bring in a SWAT team. This whole 'pigskin' situation came out of nowhere, nobody knows what they're actually protesting".

What Lanier meant by them not knowing what they were protesting has everything to do with what regulation footballs are made of today. Early round footballs were made of inflated pig bladders, this is why they were given the nickname "pigskin". Before rubber was invented, animal bladders were easy to obtain. They were round, lightweight, slightly durable and easily inflated.

However, it wasn't a pleasant task to blow up a pig bladder. So when rubber was invented in the mid-1800s, pig bladders were sworn off for inflated rubber balls. Current regulation footballs do have some cowhide in them, so the protestors were on the right track. But that wasn't what the protest was about.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell had no problem weighing in on the situation.

"They were like animals. People were throwing squash plants and full sized cucumbers with force trying to break windows. It was madness. I witnessed a grown man fight off a SWAT member with a couple of sharpened carrots."
Roger Goodell - NFL Commissioner said he was "Scared for his life" during protests. Image via: CBS News

We spoke to a group of protestors who referred to themselves as the "Artichokers" so we could get a differing view point. "We don't slaughter cattle man. So not cool man. When we heard that footballs were made from pigskin it really grinded our gears man," said one of the group, who called himself Brussel Sprout Russell.

Another (known as Lettuce Fetish Frank) chimed in quickly, "We really don't appreciate the NFL right now. For us to find out after all these years that they're using God's creation for their little sports ball. It's just not ok. I left a nice surprise by the front doors. It'll show the NFL what we think of their little evil baby animal murdering cult."

The conversation stalled as there were swarms of protestors surrounding us, and we feared for our safety. We were later informed by longtime Sanitation President Hartley Coleman that Lettuce Fetish Frank had indeed left a "surprise", or what we in the media might call a "fat shit" near the front doors. It was splattered on the NFL logo apparently infested with arugula and asparagus.

(Pictured: Hartley Coleman, The Coleman family has been overseeing the Sanitation and
Waste Management Department of the NFL for over 72 years. Butch (Hartley's Father),
who many referred to as "Big Daddy Trash", was Head Supervisor from 1955 to 2003).

Members of the local SWAT team and NFL execs eventually were able to ward off the masses with handmade gift baskets tailored specifically for the protestors. Contents included: Kombucha shots, Assorted Nuts, 6-packs of LaCroix, Aloe Vera Serum, Essential Oils, Kale Chips, Burger King's Impossible Whoppers, and $100 gift cards to Whole Foods. It's estimated that there may be up to $160 worth of damage to NFL Facilities, including graffiti murals of fruits and vegetables resembling giant penises (protesters assured us the paint was water based, as oil based paints are tested on animals), a bon fire of burned footballs, and rude messages smeared in fruit and vegetable juices left for NFL employees.

However, we're quite sure they enjoyed their gift baskets.

"Protesters actually ended up cleaning the mess they'd made.."

said Hartley Coleman. "We were blown away! There was literally a man planting ficas and petunias outside the front doors. A lady pulled out organic glass sanitizer from her purse and started cleaning off all the windows."

It was quite the turn around to say the least.

"Gift baskets are always a hit,"

said Goodell with a quick smirk. Goodell is optimistic the protests will cease in the future. He plans to continue the NFL's long time partnership with Wilson, who produces footballs for each game. He's currently working up a deal with William Sonoma to enlist on a whim mass production of gift baskets in case this ever happens again.

Via billmuehlenberg.com
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Main Image Via: Huffington Post