New York: NFL Commissioner, Roger Goodell, met with league officials and owners Tuesday evening. The meeting was to see how NFL executives and officials could work together to make games last even longer.
"The average NFL game is over 3 hours, and we want to make these last for-fucking-ever and are well on our way to achieving this", the rosy-cheeked commissioner proclaimed. "We are slowly chipping away", the commish continued, "and I am happy with the results. The new pass interference challenge/review has been a complete fucking waste of time, thank you for that idea, Stan [Kroenke]."
Some of the ideas that emerged from the meeting:
- If a player looks at another player in a "mean way" an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty will be assessed.
- If a player is within 20 yards of the quarterback after a throw, a roughing the passer penalty will be assessed.
- If a player blinks before the snap, a false start penalty will be assessed.
- If a kicker misses an extra point or field goal they will do it again "until they get it right". The points will not count after the first try but the "little fucks" have nothing else to do
After a couple of hours: "Fuck it", Goodell hurled, "let's just call a holding penalty on every play." The room erupted in cheers and old-white-guy high-fives.
